facere quod facit beatus = do what brings you joy
Greater times are coming.
They most likely come along with challenges, dark days, magic ones, hard ones, unbelievable ones… but greater times will come. Because I am worthy of it, strong enough to overcome the journey towards them. And so will come so much learning and healing; more breaking down and coming back up, like I always do, l always will. I'm excited for the future experiences; the breakdowns, the rising from the ashes; excited for winter to become spring.
The cycle never ends, but what has changed, is that now I see there process with gratefulness rather than despise or agony. Now I embrace the new steps instead of dreading going further. I stay in the cozy present, knowing that the presents to come will be just as wonderful chapters as the current and the latter.
To a best friend who is no longer that.
10:10 - April 6th, 2025
i miss you.
i know you don’t miss me. but i miss you sometimes.
i miss you in days like these, when big things happen and i want to tell someone… you were there from the beginning of my dream, and it’s sad to know you’re not here now, when the dream is taking form and place.
it doesn’t hurt any longer. but it does hurt that you couldn’t comprehend how much you meant to me, and why trusting you again was so complicated for me.
time has passed, i don’t remember any of our inside jokes. i don’t know you and you certainly don’t know me any longer.
i still have your letters.
i don’t want to play the victim any longer. i fail, i rise, i repeat.
i try to be a devoted friend, but i can’t be perfect. i care, but sometimes too deeply or too little. sometimes it feels so scary and tiring, too. i try to be as kind as i can be, but with my impulsive thoughts you never know. perhaps my ego stands in the way, my fears of abandonment stuck like bugambilia flowers to my frame; “i need to stand out or they’ll never think i’m great! and i am great!”
i yearn for a deeper love, a little devotion, but i crave so much reassurance it can become exhausting, that’s why my therapist has bags under her eyes.
people usually come to me for their problems, yet i seem so insignificant to them, and then they walk away with all my fate and knowledge… i’ve always thought that’s what i came here for, to listen to others and make them see some spark of wisdom in me, so they can learn, heal and leave: and i stay hoping for their peace sitting in the background, heartbroken unsure if i was ever enough, if i ever mattered at all.
Every time I lose myself,
I find another part of that self,
standing in the shadows of my past,
in the light of the close by present
like a sudden revelation
a beautiful interpretation…
Some flower that needed a break in order to bloom.
Now that I’ve grown
I have a harder time remembering;
The pain seems so lost in the dance of this maze
sometimes it feels like yesterday,
I can taste my tears and see me beg for a chance…
A chance to find peace in this land.
I never knew how to be one of the girls,
constantly trying to fit in this place
being an adult while my baby teeth fell
I sure hope I have something else than this rage.
If only I had had more space,
To ruin some wall, maybe someone would braid my hair
rainbows were just a phenomenon, no magic to taste.
I’ve blamed my misfortunes on others, yet they have come to me for my own benefit. My path is mine. My troubles are mine. It is me, who chose to blame, to antagonize, it is me, who now realizes without all my troubles and my miseries, I wouldn’t be me.
I feel reborn, I see things with a fresh pair of eyes. Looking within is a superpower, the key was never around me or near me, it was inside me. Here I am, opening the door to my absolute freedom.
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